You may ask yourself: what can possibly be the connection between a second-rate graphic artist from Portland, and the father of Chinese communism? The answer, gentle reader, is as complex as it is ludicrous. I will therefore make an attempt to explain it in the simplest way I can. Namely, with this handy-dandy comparison chart! Mao Tse-Tung - a.k.a. The Chairman; a.k.a. mao - a.k.a. She-Wolf of the Red Army; a.k.a. - Famous for his Little Red Book - Had subscription to Redbook once - Decreed a Great Leap Forward, resulting in the deaths of millions of people. - Always jumps the last stair on the staircase, resulting in the occasional twisted ankle and limp. - Formed what is now known as the PRC - Spent countless wasted hours on IRC - Generally reviled throughout the western world even to this day. - Never invited to parties again after that one fire, one little fire. Jesus H. it was 3 years ago. - Has countless busts bearing his image - 34 DD, baby! It's almost uncanny, isn't it? The facts lie not! It is now undeniably proven that the two of us are joined by a higher karmic force. Well, now that that's been cleared up, here are a few more facts about glorious me for your weirdos that are still reading... Likes and Dislikes Someone very wise said that it's not what you're like, it's what you like that defines you as a person. I agree with this statement, at least for the purpose of this section. Stuff I like: Communist and Cold War memorabilia This may be obvious at this point. I enjoy acquiring collectibles from the glory days of the Soviet Union and PRC. This stems from no actual affinity for the politics of Communism, but rather an artistic appreciation for the media associated with propaganda. The propaganda of the United States is feeble in comparison. I mean, come on… Operation Enduring Freedom trading cards? Christ cooking waffles, give me a communist leader nesting doll set any day. Movies about war -- or the possibility thereof Dr. Strangelove is at the top, followed closely by Apocalypse Now. "Mein Fuhrer... I can walk!" That shit kills me every time. "Never get off the boat... absolutely god damn right." Whoo, I'm all tingly! Charlie don't surf! Westerns -- Sergio Leone & Sam Peckinpah style The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly possibly ranks above Apocalypse Now. Fisful of Dollars, and For a Few Dollars More are also on my list (more the latter than the former). The Wild Bunch is also muy fantastico. I read somewhere that they let off more rounds of ammo in that movie than was discharged during the entire Mexican revolution. That, my friends, is what makes a movie a MOVIE. This is a good time to mention that I met Ernest Borgnine once, although I was too young to remember it. If I met him now, I'd shake his hand vigorously, but not too vigorously as he is quite old and I don't want to hurt him. Music of all kinds, and lots of it. Apparently I've got "one of the largest collections of music I've ever seen a girl have". I don't doubt it, I've been acquiring stuff for years. Much of it is on vinyl, many more on cd. Lately, I've been really into Biosphere for some reason. The 2 cd re-release of Substrata might have something to do with it. Chukhung blows away any crummy Enigma song for romantic interludes. Cats Who needs kids? Whatever precious things your sprogs may do, my cats do it infinitely cuter... plus they clean themselves. I'd like to see little Dakota do that. Stuff I do not like: Men who wear spandex biker shorts I do not think this requires an explanation. If I see someone violating this tenet of decency, my line of sight immediately tunnels and crosshairs appear - focused squarely on the offending individual. Fortunately, I am rarely armed, as I would surely be serving concurrent life sentences in the clink. People who think they know everything about everything but don't know anything about anything, and want to tell you all about it anyway. Please understand that genuinely unintelligent people don't bother me at all. I would never bag on someone for not going to college, or not finishing high school, or for lamenting the cancellation of Charles in Charge. However, people who claim to possess great knowledge, but DON'T, and see no issue with broadcasting their idiotic opinions about stupid things to anyone who will listen - they are on my list. For example, do not attempt to convince me that a caiman would win against an alligator gar in a pit fight throwdown. I know better. Note: if I refer to you as "Cliff Clavin" at any time in a conversation, beware. It is not a compliment. People who don't pick up after their dogs in the city - more specifically, the ones who don't clean up their dog's mess in that little median between the street and the sidewalk where everybody walks to get out of their car. This is not rocket science. We are not trying to re-sequence genetic code here people - although if I could in any way assist in the discovery of the gene that makes people supreme assholes capable of allowing their dogs to shit up the medians, I would do so in a minute. Dog crap is damn gross, and hoofing into it on a dark morning, say around January 8th, 2002, on your way to work is distressing to say the least. If I catch you doing it, you can count on a belligerent confrontation and subsequent lecture on civic pride, possibly followed by a brutal straight-check to your dome. Don't get me wrong, I like dogs just fine. In fact, My parents have a 120lb Bouvier des Flandres whom I love dearly. However WE MAKE DAMN CERTAIN SHE IS CLEANED UP AFTER. And unless you want a "visit" from that "puppy" in your yard, so should you.