The #goth Frequently Asked Question: What is goth?

How to be a REAL Gothic person.

Some of you may be unsure as to how to achieve gothic Godhood. We here, in #goth aim to set you straight, in the hopes that you silly little puds will quit entering the channel with the tiresome question: "What is goth?"

In order to truly be a REAL goth you must follow not one, not five, but ALL of these rules. You must live this list. Eat, sleep, breathe & smoke this list. For otherwise, you will always be a gothic-wanna-be. Can you say poseur? I thought so. Let the Game begin!

  1. You must always dress in black, the fabric of your clothing must be comprised of one or all of the following: lace, velvet, leather, or latex. Rubber is permitted, but only if you follow strict fetishist guidelines to be covered at a later date.
  2. You must pierce and tatoo your body repeatedly. Check with Sabrael for a list of acceptable body modifications.
  3. You must utter naught but witticisms, preferably recycled Poe, Wilde, or Byron quotes. Yeats & Keats are also permitted, but only within the context of a Morrissey song.
  4. You must purchase stock in AquaNet. Do I have to spell this out for you morons??? Hair = BIG ... Hairspray = MAKE HAIR BIG!!! Yes folks, bigger is definitely better.
  5. Two words: Black lipstick.
  6. Two more words: Black nailpolish.
  7. Your musical tastes must follow strict Gothic guidelines. Industrial bleed-overs are permitted in certain cases, but under no circumstances may your musical collection be missing any of the following: The Cure, Siouxsie & the Banshees, Sisters of Mercy, any group on the Projekt label, any group on the Cleopatra label, Joy Division (suicide goth), The Swans, Dead Can Dance (any group with the word Dead or Death in it for that matter), Bauhaus (you need only have the single of Bela Lugosi's Dead to qualify), Cocteau Twins, and any other group I may have missed.
  8. Black & white stripe-y tights are a must, as well as fishnet anything. Mo' fishnet, Mo' fishnet, Mo' fishnet!
  9. You must smoke clove cigarettes. Sampoerna is acceptable, but to be truly gothic you must smoke Djarum Blacks ... as advertised by Blackbox/Deadagain.
  10. Ever tasted blood??? Get used to it. Invest in a good straight razor & a goblet. All real goths drink blood. But never, NEVER delude yourself into thinking you're a real Vampire. Vampires exist only in Anne Rice novels and San Francisco biker bars.
  11. Speaking of the lovely Anne Rice, well DUH! All Anne Rice and Poppy Z. Brite (with whom GraveX hung with at Mardi Gras, incidentally) books are required reading. Coupled with copious dry and over-bearing classics and your literary education is complete.
  12. Real goths don't eat quiche, unless it meets a certain quota of blood-volume per 1000 parts. (see Rule 10).
  13. If you are male, you must be horrifyingly underweight. Think "junkie on crack" and you will get the correct mental image.
  14. If you are female, you must be horrifyingly overweight. Think, "Why yes, I'd like another two dozen bonbons with my absinthe this evening, do you have any nachos?"
  15. Kiss the sun goodbye. You are required to be pale as the driven snow. Do you have natural skin pigmentation? Fret not, most living beings do. Mao and I bathe twice daily in bleach to achieve our corpsely glow. Try it! You'd be amazed how quickly Melanin, Carotine & Hemoglobin can be destroyed.
  16. Exercise? Muscle tone? Foreign concepts. You must sloth around with the shades drawn until the sun sets & then make your way to the nearest gothic dance club. Once there you must sloth about until the sun rises. Rinse. Repeat.
  17. Throw away your anti-depressants! You are REQUIRED to be depressed here. Other sub-categories of depression are allowed. Moodiness, sexual frustration, suicidal ideation, violent & psychotic tendencies are all acceptable mental affectations. You even get bonus points for sociopathic tendencies, (i.e. you usually get ops in #goth). Mope your best, my little beastly darlings, and make your mope count!
  18. Higher education? Bah, humbug. Quit school, move home & work in a record store/ occult bookstore/ fetish shop/ tattoo parlor/ coffee shop ... or you could even be a DJ if you're cool enough. Menial labor loves freaks like us. Someone has to work the $5.00/hour jobs!!!
  19. Drink Vodka. Drink lots of Vodka. Drink lots of cheap Vodka, as you have a really shitty job and your clothes tend to be expensive, not to mention playing keep-up on the music scene.
  20. And FINALLY!!! The final and MOST important way to be a REAL GOTHIC person. (*dramatic drum roll*)



    There isn't ANYthing more gothic than death. So fufill the legacy of your gothic heritage, and just do the world a favor by simply dying.


Disclaimer: This is a farce, this is only a farce. Quit your psychiatric medication at your own risk. #goth and all it's constituents, successors & assigns assume no liability for suicide, accidental death or death by eggplant insertion. Parents, take responsibility for the suicides of your young'uns. You fucked them up, we merely encouraged the deviation.